You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
