I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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