I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
