i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
