A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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