I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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