Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
