I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
