How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
