Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
