just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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