i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
