That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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