so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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