Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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