I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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