Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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