mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize