I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
