some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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