its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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