I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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