Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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