and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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