I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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