I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize