I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
