My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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