I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
