He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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