so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
