So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
