I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
