Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
