I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
