based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize