I should be sponsored by Trojan
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
