There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
