hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
