So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
