from now on my penis is your penis
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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