I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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