If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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