We're facebook friends in real life
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
