im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
