If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize