Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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