Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
