God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
