if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
