Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
