Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
