i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
