i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
And then my night got REAL pukey
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
